Harry Potter And Crunchy Peanut Butter
by LittlePinkRed
Summary: Bizarre crossover between Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Harry Potter (duh), South Park, X-Men and many others. Insane and hopefully hilarious. R&R & enjoy!!!


Harry Potter And Crunchy Peanut Butter  
  
  
  
Note from the director..   
  
I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own any of the TV shows/movies/books/comics. I only own Brian, and some of the ideas and lines. I am not the first to do something like this. I just saw it and liked it. I'm not trying to be a hack, stuff just happened that way. Anyway, Buffy season seven. Tara, Glory etc. are ghosts. Just for the fun. Current seasons of all the other shows. Oh, and when I say Merlin, I'm talking about the NBC mini series Merlin. The one with Sam Neil. So yeah, wish I owned the stuff, but I don't. Enjoy!  
  
  
  
  
Cast:  
  
Harry Potter - Brian Friday - Mine  
  
Albus Dumbledore - Gandalf The Gray - LotR: ForT  
  
Ron Weasley - Kyle Broslofski - South Park  
  
Hermione Granger - Penny Robinson - Lost In Space (the movie)   
  
Rubeus Hagrid - Johnny - JTHM   
  
Fred Weasley - Rupert "Ripper" Giles - BtVS  
  
George Weasley - William "Spike" The Bloody - BtVS  
  
Draco Malfoy - Andrew - BtVS  
  
Crabbe and Goyle - Jonathan and Warren - BtVS  
  
Professor Severus Snape - Agent Smith - The Matrix Reloaded  
  
Professor Minerva McGonagall - Piper Halliwell - Charmed  
  
Mr. Vernon Dursley - Pippi De Lena - The Last Don  
  
Mrs. Petunia Dursley - Mrs. Cartman - SP  
  
Dudley Dursley - Eric Cartman - SP  
  
Professor Quirrell - Wesley Wyndham-Pryce - BtVS/Angel  
  
Mrs. Molly Weasley - Evlyn O'Connlle - The Mummy Returns  
  
Ginny Weasley - Wendy Testaberger - SP  
  
Neville Longbottom - Butters - SP  
  
Professor Sprout - Grace Trevethyn - Saving Grace  
  
Professor Binns - Economics teacher from Ferris Bueller's Day Off  
  
Professor Fliwick - Mouse - The Matrix  
  
Madam Pomfry - Paige Matthews (Paige M.) - Charmed  
  
Madam Hooch - Trinity - The Matrix Reloaded  
  
Argus Filch - Dogberry - Much Ado About Nothing  
  
Mrs. Norris - Kitty - SP  
  
The Fat Friar - Chef - SP  
  
Peeves - Smeagol - LotR: TTT  
  
Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington or Nearly Headless Nick - Bosley - Charlie's Angels  
  
The Bloody Baron - Bert Gummer - Tremors  
  
Oliver Wood - Michael Moscovitz - The Princess Diaries  
  
Percy Weasley - Cameron Frye - Ferris Bueller's Day Off  
  
Seamus Finnigan - Link - The Matrix Reloaded  
  
Dean Thomas - Token - SP  
  
Pavarti Patil - Mia Thermopolis - The Princess Diaries  
  
Lee Jordon - Aaron - Gossip Girl  
  
Cornelius Fudge - Pinhead - Hellraiser  
  
Dedalus Diggle - Ducky - Pretty In Pink  
  
Nicholas Flamel - Merlin - Merlin  
  
Lily and James Potter - Catwoman and Batman - Batman Returns  
  
Piers Polkiss (Dudley's annoying little friend) - Brad Majors - RHPS  
  
Quidditch players (not previously mentioned) - Buffy Summers, Dawn Summers, Glorificus, Anya Emerson, Faith, Tara McClay, Xander Harris (BtVS), Naobi, Neo and Morpheus (tM/R)  
  
Two news casters - Liberty Van Zandt and JT Yorke - Degrassi: The Naxt Generation  
  
Various Gryffendores - Spoon orphan, Swithc, Apoc and other Matrix people  
  
Various Hufflepuffs - Wolverine, Jean Gray, Cyclops, Storm, Iceman, Rouge, Mystique and other X-Men  
  
Various Ravenclaws - Lilly Moscovitz, Boris Pelkowski, Kenny Showalter (Kenny S), Tina Hakim Baba, Ling Su, Shameeka, Judith Gershner and other PD people  
  
Various Slyterins - Jinx, Dreg, Ben, three of the Knights Of Byzantium and other BtVS people  
  
Snake from pet shop - The Mayor post ascension - BtVS  
  
The Sorting Hat - The Crab - Simply Irresistible  
  
Goblins - M11s - Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah  
  
Fluffy - The Ghora demon - BtVS  
  
Fang - Daniel Osbourne - BtVS  
  
Trevor the toad - the Dorak named Peedi - Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah  
  
Voldermort - The Emperor - Star Wars  
  
With Hedwig as herself  
  
Magic/medic/tech support and props - Merlin, Mab (Merlin), Severus Snape, Albus Dumbledore (HP), Will Robinson (Lost In Space), Leo Wyatt (Charmed)  
  
Director's assistant - Mouse and later Squee and Shmee - The Matrix, JTHM/Squee  
  
Director - Alex - ME!  
  
Audience - Willow Rosenberg, Cassie Newton, Kennedy, Amanda (BtVS), Gunn, Cordelia (Angel), Lana Weinberger, Justin Baxendale, Josh Richter (tPD), Blair Waldorf, Serena van der Woodsen, Kati, Isabel (GG), Frodo Baggins, Sam, Pip, Merry, Aragorn, Legolas (LotR: TTT), Charles Xavior, Magneto (X-Men), Frank N Furter, Janet Weiss, Dr. V. Scott, Eddie (RHPS) Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormick, Towlie (SP), Rick O'Connell, Ardeth Bay, Imotep (The Mummy Returns), Captain Don West, Blurb, Will Robinson (LIS), Phoebe Halliwell, Leo Wyatt, Cole Turner (Charmed), Ashley, Paige, Terri, Hasel, Ellie, Sean, Spinner, Jimmy, Craig, Manny, Emma and Toby (D:tNG), Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron, Fred, Percy, George and Ginny Weasley, Draco Malfoy, Hagrid, the sorting hat, Severus Snape, Minerva McGonagall and many, many other Hogwarts students (HP)  
  
  
  
And so it begins...  
  
Director [walks into her theater to find a small group of people waiting for her. It's the gang from Horwarts!]: What are you guys doing here so early? It's only... okay, so maybe it's noon but still.  
  
Harry: We god bored and decided to hang here and watch the show.  
  
Hermione: After all, we are on the guest list.  
  
Director [nods and shrugs]: Yeah. So, if you guys are here where are my professors? I wanted them to see it [pouts].  
  
Ron: Dumbledore's backstage with that hag--  
  
Mab hisses warningly from backstage.  
  
Ron: Sorry! Mab, Merlin and Snape. The others should be here soon.  
  
Director: Yay. [takes a seat next to a small, sleeping man] Wake up Mouse.  
  
Mouse [waking]: No more agents!  
  
They look at him strangly.  
  
Mouse: Sorry, dream. Anyhoo, where is everybody?  
  
Director: We don't start for another... [looks at her wrist where there is no watch] 5 hours. I just had some editing to do [smiles innocently].  
  
Mouse glares at her and goes back to sleep.  
  
Five hours and 25 minutes later...  
  
Mouse: AAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Director [waking from her nap]: W-wa-wha?  
  
Mouse: Stop! Help! Oh mutha! AH!!!  
  
Director [sits up and laughs at the sight which meets her eyes]: What in the name of all that is holy are you doing with my assistant?!  
  
Ron, Harry and the Degrassi gang are too busy laughing to speak. Hermione is concentrating on levitating the small man.  
  
Mouse: What does it look like they're doing? Torturing me! Make her put me down!  
  
Director [giggles]: Okay, you can let him down now, Hermione. No more win gar de um for you. The others should be here any min--  
  
Naturally at that moment Buffy, Dawn, Willow, Cassie, Tara, Faith, Spike, Giles, Xander, Anya, Kennedy, Amanda, Glory, Jinx, Dreg, the three Knights of Byzantium, Andrew, Jonathan and Warren burst through the doors. Followed closely by Gunn, Wesley, Cordy, Neo, Trinity, Morpheus, Naobi, Spoon orphan, Link, Smith and the other Matrix people. (whoa that's a mouthful!)  
  
Director [pointedly]: See.  
  
Spike: A little bird told me you needed me. [Alex nods] So what the hell is this place and what am I doing here?!  
  
Director: Indeed I do. Need you that is. For this thing. Anyway. Welcome, one and all, to the Theater Pants! [does a small curtsy]  
  
Mouse [rolling his eyes]: And so it begins.  
  
Kennedy: The Theater Pants?  
  
Director: Yeah, don't ask. Long story. Anyroad, you all are here to either participate in, or view a small production of... [pauses for dramatic effect and hands a script to Dawn]  
  
Dawn: Ooh! Harry Potter!  
  
Willow: This should be interesting.  
  
Morpheous: Indeed.  
  
Director: Now than, as soon as more people arrive, like maybe the stars, we can begin.  
  
As the new arrivals being to get settled Brian Friday walks through the front door. He is a tall young man of about fifteen, with messy brown hair and pale skin. He is dressed all in black and is wearing a JTHM t-shirt. (So sexy. Humming "I'm Too Sexy")  
  
Director: Goodies! A main character! Brian, my man, sup?  
  
Brian: Oh you know, the usual.  
  
Director: Yeah, well, grab a script and hold on tight 'cause this is gonna be weird.  
  
Brian: Joy.  
  
Director sighs. A moment later a scream is heard from outside.  
  
Director [sighs again]: That must be Johnny... [Mia, Lilly, Ling Su, Tina, Shameeka, Justin, Josh, Michael, Boris and Kenny come running through the front doors. Mia, Tina, Josh and Boris look like they have been screaming. The rest of the group looks a little green] Yup, that's Johnny all right. Do tell, did one Miss. Weinberger come with you?  
  
Michael: Yeah, she, and then he, and then with the knife...  
  
Borris: It was horrid.  
  
Director: Yeah, I thought something like this might happen. [sighs] You know, you two [points at Josh and Justin] are lucky to be alive. I'd stay clear of the sketch if you want to remain in good health.  
  
They look about ready to pass out from fear. Borris faints. Lilly grabs his ankle and drags him to a seat.  
  
Johnny [walking in holding a bloodied knife in one hand, and the shaking hand of one very frightened Squee in the other... hand... gah]: What fresh hell is this?!  
  
Mouse: The Theater Pants. Here [hands him a hankie and a script], you'll need these.  
  
Director: Um... Mab?  
  
Mab [in her whispery voice]: Yesss?  
  
Director: Could you mabye bring our deceased cheerleader back from the dead?  
  
Mab: Certainly. [walks off with Snape, Leo, Merlin and Albus to attened to Lana]  
  
Director: Right. [turning her attention to Mouse] Who are we missing?  
  
Mouse: Let's see... The Hufflepuffs, the New York folks--  
  
At that moment Blair Waldorf and Serena van der Woodsen burst in, looking pissed as always. Behind them are Kati, Isabel and Aaron.  
  
Harry, Ron, Spinner and Xander: Whoa...!  
  
Director: Aaron, ladies, so nice to see you. [Blair walks off, nose in the air. Serena follows her. Director shrugs] Yeah well, anyway. Here, Aaron, have a script. So, where were we?  
  
Mouse: Yeah... Gandalf-- [not surprisingly Gandalf glides in, followed by Frodo, Sam, Pip, Merry, Aragorn, Legolas and Smeagol] The South Park people... [they some running in, chasing Kitty] Penny Robinson... [Penny waltzes in carrying Blurb on her shoulder. She is followed by Will and Captain West] This is so cool! Uh... oh, the Charmed Ones. [waits, nothing happens]  
  
Director: Poo. Where on earth are those witches?  
  
Voice of Joss [from the ceiling]: They are almost there Miss. Alex. They should be orbing in at any moment.  
  
Director: Great. Thanks a bundle Jossy!  
  
Joss: Not a problem.  
  
Everyone stares at the ceiling.  
  
Glory [speaking for everyone]: What the hell was that?  
  
Director: That was Joss. In this world he's a god.  
  
Glory and Buffy raise their eyebrows. Dawn, Willow and Amanda look nervously at the ceiling.  
  
Director: Oh don't worry. He's not a Glory type god. Just a Sits-in-the-sky-and-sometimes-makes-people-say-stuff-just-for-kicks type of god.  
  
They relax. The Charmed ones orb in with Leo a second later. Soon after, Cole shimmers in.  
  
Director: 'Bout time!  
  
Leo: Sorry, ran into a storm.  
  
Cole: And I just didn't care.  
  
Director: Right. Mouse?  
  
Mouse: Pippi De Lena, Evlyn O'Connell, Catwoman, Batman--  
  
Xander: Batman!?!?!  
  
Mouse [ignoring him]: Grace Trevethyn, the economics teacher, Dogberry... [Ferris Bueller, Cameron Frye and the economics teacher walk in. The economics teacher is disscussing something too boring to mention here with Bert Gummer and Bosley. Ferris and Cameron are chatting with Pippi and Ardeth Bay. Grace is talking to Evlyn and Rick. Selena Kyle and Bruce Wayne are walking arm in arm. Aw] Um... Pinhead [appears out of this air], Ducky [falls from the sky, landing on a trampoline as expected], Brad Majors [comes running in dressed in a corset, face paint and ripped fishnet thigh highs. When he sees everyone staring at him he screams like a woman and runs to the costume department. He is followed in by Frank, Riff Raff, Janet, Dr. V. Scott and Eddie].  
  
Gunn: Well, never thought I'd see the day when a man screams higher than Wes.  
  
Wesley glares at him.  
  
Mouse: The fleet of M11s.  
  
Will [pops head out of tech support lab]: Almost done!  
  
Mouse: Oh, and the Mayor.  
  
Faith: Richard Wilkins the third is coming to this?  
  
Joss: My, this should be amusing.  
  
Buffy: I'm thinking more dangerous.  
  
Director: Shut up Joss. Yes, the mayor's coming. But he can't hurt anyone. Mab won't let him. So, we should have everyone now right?  
  
Mouse: No, we still need Oz, the Ghora--  
  
Spike: Oh come on, not again!  
  
Mouse: That annoying flying rat.  
  
Director: The dorak named Peedi.  
  
Mouse: Whatever. And Hedwig. Oh, and the Hufflepuffs.  
  
Hannah Abbot and Susan Bones walk in with several of their classmates and Hedwig.  
  
Susan: We're here!  
  
Director: Not you! The replacement Hufflepuffs.  
  
Hannah: Oh. [they go sit]  
  
Director muttering something about the evils of public education and "For the love of Gaia". Mouse leans over and whispers something to her.  
  
Director: Oh no, we can start without him. [loud enough so everyone can hear] Attention ladies and gentlemen. We will being as soon as everyone is in costume.  
  
The cast rush off to change. Everyone else gets settled. As they do Jean, Logan, Scott, Storm, Charles, Rouge, Iceman, Oz, Eric and Mystique walk in. Logan and Oz are discussing something to do with welding (snore) while Ice and Rouge are playing with Peedi and the crab everyone forgot all about until now.  
  
Director: Jean, Wolfykins, Scott, Storm, Ice, Rouge and Mysti go change. They rest of you, except for Peedi and the crab, are in the audience.  
  
They go to their appropriate places. Mystique glares at her, but says nothing.  
  
Director [in her whiny voice]: Nnnnnnnnow can we start???  
  
Mouse: Not until they finish changing. [rolling his eyes] Honestly.  
  
Director sighs and pouts.  
  
Three hours later...  
  
Penny [wearing her typical spandex jumper and a dark red shirt under a crimson Gryffendore robe. Sigh]: Let's do this thing!  
  
Director [waking from her second nap]: Wha? [looks over and sees Giles. And screams] AH!  
  
Spike/William [totally miffed]: Why didn't you tell us you were going to send us back to when we were teenagers?!?!  
  
Director starts to laugh hysterically.  
  
Faith: Oh...  
  
Buffy: My...  
  
Willow: Goddess!  
  
For indeed Spike (now William) and Giles (now Ripper) have been enchanted by Albus. They are themselves at age fifteen (as they were too boring back when they were twelve).  
  
Director [recovering from her fit]: Mouse, can we start now?  
  
Mouse: I believe we ought to.  
  
Director: PLACES! [everyone walks to their places] LIGHTS! [the lights dim to black] ACTION!!!  
  
  
A/N: Sorry 'bout that. If you totally hate me now a) don't leave nasty reviews or I will vibe at you and b) don't read the next chap. It will be up soon. I promise. And if people would like to know what the hell Crunchy Peanut Butter has to do with anything you can just ask. I may include a special chap just for you. Maybe. Hugs!  
Oh, R&R, please!!!  



End file.
